More Sleep News

Well, I had some more hallucinations last night - 4 I think. Most I've had in a while. They were mostly interesting, but one of them made me scared that I might be losing my mind. This has happened before (being scared about it, I meant, not losing my mind, although some may argue otherwise). Hmm... I guess I should really start at the beginning...

As far back as I can remember I've had insomnia; nothing substantial, typically it takes me an hour or two to fall asleep. Sometime more, sometimes less. Accompanying the insomnia for the last 15 years or so have been hallucinations. Hallucinations I used to thing were completely normal, but have come to realize may not be.

The hallucinations come just before I fall asleep. I believe my entering into REM before I am actually asleep, such that I am in fact dreaming whilst awake causes them. That is, my brain is dreaming of something and my eyes and ears perceive these things as if they were really occurring, and not just figments of my mind. Occasionally these hallucinations several minutes, and prompt me to action, but most of the time they last less than a minute -- typically until I recognize them as hallucinations and not reality.

So last night I had 3 hallucinations -- at least that I can remember. I don't remember what I saw during the first one. In the second one my wife had put her face right up in mine and was eating something like looked like a green pipe cleaner... maybe a green bean. I watched her eating it bit by bit, slowing drawing it into her mouth and couldn’t figure out why she was awake; why she was eating; and why she was eating right in my face. Coming to the conclusion that it didn't make any sense I quickly realized it was just a hallucination. My hallucinations typically end this way... I realize that it isn't real and I just stare at the illusion until it disappears. The image of my ravenous wife disappeared before my eyes, reveling my real life wife asleep next to me, facing the opposite direction.

During the next hallucination, I actually ended up waking my wife up. I was lying there, trying to sleep, when something started crawling up on the bed (I get this one a lot). I don't remember what it was, but I started hitting the side of the bed trying to get rid of it. Actually, now that I think about it, I must have been partially asleep, as I don't remember it that clearly. After hitting it, I rolled over to try to sleep. That's when my wife asked me if I were awake. "Yeah," I replied rather indignantly, "why?" She didn't respond; she had either fallen back asleep, or didn't hear me. I didn't think it was worth it to wake her just to see is she was awake, so I let it slide. At the time I didn't know why she had woken up to ask me if I were awake... I figured all my tossing and turning has woken her. Today at lunch I asked her and she said she had been woken by my hitting the bed. It was only at that point that I remembered doing so, thus my uncertainty as to whether this was a dream or a hallucination. My wife was just glad I wasn't facing her when I started beating the bed. In the past I have touched her because of these events -- once time I shook her awake; another I shook her leg, or squeezed it or something. Such fun for her...

The last hallucination is the one that scared me mentally. And, again, I don't mean in the horror movie "aaaaah!" kind of way, I mean in the "what if I'm really going crazy" kind of way. The last hallucination is the kind that freaks me out the most -- auditory hallucinations. For some reason seeing things that aren't there doesn't bother me - I can rationalize how my eyes can be deceived by my brain, but hearing things that aren't there is different for some reason. And not because hearing things is generally though of in a "crazy" kind of way, I mean it's just a freaky experience.

Last night's auditory delights took the form of some sort of big-band music. There I was lying in bed when all of a sudden (as I entered REM no-doubt) the music started "ba-rumpa-pumpa-rump..." etc. It was quite good, and quite imaginary. I say up in bed to isolate the source of the music and quickly realized the source was between my ears, not outside of them. Upon this realization, I listen to the music for a couple of seconds, waiting for it to disappear. It must have taken longer for it to subside that the visual ones do because I remember as I sat there listening to the music suddenly becoming a big scared and depressed - here I was, listening to music that wasn't there, music that I *knew* wasn't there, but could hear none the less. I was also partially amazed at my brain for being able to synthesis an actual none existent song so realistically! If only I were a musician, then I could write these orchestrations down for the world to see - me - the next Mozart! But alas, all I got out of it was the fear of insanity, which, in all but a few cases doesn't pay the rent (and in other cases causes the state to pay the rent).

Actually, I think the air filter in our bedroom plays a part in the auditory stuff -- it's hum becoming the stirring of a song in my mind, so perhaps no so crazy after all, eh?

I finally fell asleep at 12 something. I am tired today, but not too bad.

Sometime I'll write about some of my memorable hallucination, like the time I ran all over the house trying to find the music I had left blaring (in my head) or the time I woke up on the floor. Fun!